Four days.

Today is December 4th. Three days past my due date. I guess little Ava is staying in longer. Which, honestly, is no problem with me. I have had a lot of bad days lately, not wanting to give her up. But then I remind myself that this is what's best for her, and what's best for Sean and I in the long run. Yeah, Sean and I really really want to keep her. I guess we underestimated how hard this would be. But I talked to Christina about my feelings, and she just reassured me. She didn't give me some "We'll take good care of her, don't worry" crap. She just reminded me that this is a very open adoption, we can see her whenever we want, and that in the end it's our choice and if we do just really really feel like keeping her is the right thing to do, then she wouldn't be mad at me. But she just doesn't want us to make a rash decision. Today is a good day, I'm confident in what I'm doing. But there's no telling what tomorrow will be like. Sean and I have talked a little, and we still think giving her to Christina and Daniel is the best thing to do. But he's not showing any emotion lately... I'm thinking that he's hiding his true feelings. I've tried to get him to tell me what he's thinking but you know men... Can't get them to show emotion. I just want everything to be better. I hope it will be soon. I can't wait to meet Ava, but yet I'm treasuring my last moments with her. I love her so much, and I just want to do what's best for her.

A little sad today.

Well, there's a few other pregnant girls at my school. Not surprising for my area and in a school full of over 2600 people. But anyways, we all get together every once and a while, and yesterday was one of those days. Everyone was talking about names and clothes and nurseries and stuff. How so and so's boyfriend couldn't wait to read to their baby. And it just got me a little upset. They definitely didn't mean to make me feel bad, and one girl pulled me aside to make sure I was okay afterward. It just got me thinking how it's all those little things I'm going to miss. Sure, Ava will be read to and sung to and taken on walks and things like that. It just kind of hurts that I won't be the one to do that. I really wish that I could do that, but in all truth, reading to her and singing to her would most likely be a few of the only things I really would be able to do for her. I miss her already, and she isn't even born yet. I feel her move all the time, and hear her heartbeat at doctor's appointments. I love her so much, and I only want the best for her. I remind myself constantly that this is why we're doing it, because she deserves the best.
I know Sean loves her, too. I can see it in his eyes and in his smile when he feels her kicks. I just wish that love really was all a baby needed. I don't regret making this choice at all, it's just that sometimes I feel a little sad about it.

Meeting Ava's parents.

Ever since Sean and I chose Christina and Daniel as the adoptive parents, meeting them really scared me. I'd never talked to them before, and had only seen a few pictures and such from the profiles we got from the adoption agency. Walking into the room, my heart was beating so fast I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I knew Sean was feeling the same way I did, and we just squeezed each others hand and held on for the ride.
When I saw them for the first time, I felt like turning around and heading back home. Calling off this whole thing, and saying that I want Ava and I'm keeping her.
But once Christina hugged me and gave me this huge and wonderful smile, so happy that I was giving her this gift, I knew there was no way that I could do that. I reminded myself that it was what I had to do, and that it was for Ava.
Talking with them, and feeling like everything would work out made me feel so much better. I feel so much better and confident about this choice after meeting her parents. I know that they are going to give her a fantastic life, and love her SO much.

Choosing adoption.

I met my boyfriend in 9th grade, on the first day of school. He was in 5 out of 7 of my classes, and we eventually got to talking. Within a month, we were close friends. You know how it goes. Eventually, he asked me out and I said yes. We'd been dating for around 6 months when I decided to sleep with him. We used protection, but we both had the "oh, it will never happen to me" attitude. It's amazing how wrong we both were. A few weeks later, I missed my period. It never came, and I was two weeks late. I was a bit nauseous, but not so much where I had to miss school. I remember lying in bed one day, wishing I could feel better and wondering what was making me sick. I don't know what triggered it, but I suddenly thought of the symptoms of pregnancy that every one knows. Missed period. Weight gain. Nausea and vomiting. I remember my face getting hot, and how I started to feel even sicker. After 3 days of thinking about it non-stop, I decided to tell my best friend that I thought I might be pregnant. I probably got about halfway through my story, when she said "You think you're pregnant, don't you." I remember not saying a thing, and we both sat there in silence for at least 5 minutes before she asked me what I was going to do. Friends are amazing. It's so important to pick good ones. Before I knew it, only a small handful of friends stood by me, and somehow the word had gotten around that I was pregnant. Everybody eyed my stomach, like I had suddenly grown about 3,000 sizes overnight. I got snickers and head shakes, while everyone acted totally normal around Sean, who still didn't know. Telling him was my big fear. After that was done, I'd done more than my fair share of crying for a lifetime. Telling my parents probably surpasses telling Sean, though. I told them alone, right after telling Sean. My mother's words still ring in my head. Two simple words, and I was already crying again. "Oh, Lula..." She said. After telling me things I already knew (You're too young to have a baby. You'll never get to go to college now. I can't believe you were so irresponsible.) and making sure I understood the consequences of my actions, she told me she would support me.. Another weight just lifted off my shoulders. When I was 8 weeks pregnant, Sean and I had a discussion about how we would be able to handle having a baby at sixteen. After going through our wages and savings, we realized there wasn't any way for us to raise our baby in a stable home, or even a home at all. Sean would be gone a lot, with work and school. I would have to struggle through school or drop out. We'd both be working or at school more than we see her, leaving our baby with family or friends. We would not have enough money to buy the baby pretty things, or most importantly the basics. Food, diapers. They say love is all someone needs, but when you think about it, is that really true? He suggested abortion, but we both shot that down right away. The only option left was adoption. This is our baby. And we want her to have the very best life humanly possible. It hurt to think that we could never give her that. We could never give her what she needed, much less what she deserved. So we decided to give her up for adoption.
Seeing her up on that screen, marveling at how beautiful she is already, and how her profile looks just like mine. It makes me wonder how it will be to carry her for 9 months, and then leave the hospital empty handed. I love her so much already, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to hand her off and walk away. But I know I have to. It's for her. She deserves a happy life, a stable life, a good life. Things that Sean and I just can't give to her right now.
So I'm going to treasure this time where she belongs to me, and only me. Where she is a part of me and everything I do. Where she is Ava Grace G., and not Ava Grace S. Where she is my daugher, and mine alone. When I don't share her with anyone, and make the choices about her. Where I am her mother, and where she is my life.

Ava Grace
Due December 1, 2009