Well, there's a few other pregnant girls at my school. Not surprising for my area and in a school full of over 2600 people. But anyways, we all get together every once and a while, and yesterday was one of those days. Everyone was talking about names and clothes and nurseries and stuff. How so and so's boyfriend couldn't wait to read to their baby. And it just got me a little upset. They definitely didn't mean to make me feel bad, and one girl pulled me aside to make sure I was okay afterward. It just got me thinking how it's all those little things I'm going to miss. Sure, Ava will be read to and sung to and taken on walks and things like that. It just kind of hurts that I won't be the one to do that. I really wish that I could do that, but in all truth, reading to her and singing to her would most likely be a few of the only things I really would be able to do for her. I miss her already, and she isn't even born yet. I feel her move all the time, and hear her heartbeat at doctor's appointments. I love her so much, and I only want the best for her. I remind myself constantly that this is why we're doing it, because she deserves the best.
I know Sean loves her, too. I can see it in his eyes and in his smile when he feels her kicks. I just wish that love really was all a baby needed. I don't regret making this choice at all, it's just that sometimes I feel a little sad about it.
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What a brave, selfless, and amazing young woman you are. I came across your blog after posting on a board looking for info for my sister who is wanting to put a child up for adoption.
ReplyDeleteSo many prayers to you and your boyfriend as well. Giving this child to another family is the most incredible gift for all of you involved. I'm certain the hardest thing you will ever do.
Make sure you get yourself some professional help if you aren't already. And definitely see someone afterwards. This is a huge and emotional decision.
Feeling sad? Is normal. You're a mother making the ultimate sacrifice just like all of us mothers would do. Except you're doing it in a way that is so much harder than you'd ever want to.
I'm so glad the parents who will be adopting her appear to be such wonderful people. It's sure to make this easier to have that off your plate.
I'll stop babbling now. Much love to you.
Lulu,
ReplyDeleteI'm a birthmom, and totally relate to your feelings! I had lots of pregnant friends while I was pregnant... and it was really hard to be around them all the time having those discussions. Don't forget to take care of yourself and step back from that group if/when you need to! And, if you don't already know about it, check out BirthMomBuds dot com. It's a great resource and there are forums with lots of great birthmom support! I wish you tons of luck, sweetie!
Hi Lulu,
ReplyDeleteI am an adoptive mom and I am in tears reading your blog. Our son's birthmom was 15 when she had him and she is my Hero!! You and Sean are in my prayers. Take a look at Britney's blog, she is absolutely amazing!!!
You are so strong and brave and mature, but youre still allowed to be sad.
Thinking of you, Meghan